you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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