can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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