Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
