They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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