I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
