Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I believe in your delicious
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
