just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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