I can tuck mytits in my pants
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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