Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
