Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
