words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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