I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
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Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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