so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
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They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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