i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
