Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
