There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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