I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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