pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ladies don't puke and tell
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
