One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.