they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga