Betty ford says i'm here all night
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
