i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
