I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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