I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I woke up under a house in Key West
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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