I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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