I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
