Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
