she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
