that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
