matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
