In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
