Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
