where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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