he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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