your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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