and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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