I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
