I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
