and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
