This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
