Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
