Umm I'm too high to move.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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