you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
