is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
