I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
