Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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