You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
