WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
