I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
