i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
