the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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