So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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