when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
