I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
