if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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