Porn is love you can see.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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